I was sitting in my local Bagel shop sipping a hot coffee and munching on a sesame seed bagel with cream cheese. No smear for me. If I’m going to enjoy a bagel it’s got to be heaped with a ton of cream cheese … ah, be still my heart … I’m not quite sure that’s the correct phrase to use after devouring gobs of cream cheese but the sensation of cream cheese caressing my tongue with it’s vevety texture makes my mouth water. I often come here looking for inspiration. I find that the snippets of conversation wafting through the air like paper planes floating upon multiple streams of conversation can often motivate me to go to mu computer and follow the trail of a story that reveals itself as I put fingers to keyboard.
There is a group of old guys whose conversations are so entertaining that I try to find a table close to them and pretend not to hear, with the hope that they say something that will spark my imagination. On this particular day one of the guys was talking about “Old Blue Eyes,” Frank Sinatra, and his favorite Sinatra quote: “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” He went on to mention having the good fortune to have been at Sinatra’s final concert. Mr. Sinatra died at the age of 83 on May 14th 1998. Thinking about him and this old guy inspired me to write the following short story that appeared in my book, “Stories For My Brother-In-Law Johnny.” So here, for what I hope is your reading pleasure, is the story, “Johnny & Joe At The Concert.”
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After spending many enjoyable times together talking, drinking, and listening to the recordings of the one and only Frank Sinatra, Johnny and Joe, both over 80 with their hearing and memories not quite what they used to be, have their dreams answered when after many years of retirement at a very old age, Frank Sinatra decides to give one final concert in the twilight of his legendary career. Huge fans of Mr. Sinatra, they decided to make it a special day by leaving early, stopping for an expensive dinner, and arriving at the theater with plenty of time to reminisce about Sinatra’s legendary career and prepare for the concert of their lives.
Leaving the restaurant following a luxurious dinner of cognac-splashed Escargot, Lobster, Steak, and a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac, 1996, they walked the short distance to the theater. Our story begins with the two sitting and waiting for the memorable concert to begin after having managed to get the best seats in the house.
“Well here we are, Joe, front row seats.”
“I can’t believe after all these years he’s decided to come out of retirement and have one last concert, John.”
“Yeah, it’s Incredible. How old do you think he is? ”
“Well, let’s see, he was always about 30 years older than us, so that would make him close to 110.”
“Are you nuts? He can’t be 110. If he were 110, he’d be dead.”
“How could he be dead? If he we’re dead, he wouldn’t be giving this concert. Besides, I know some people who weigh less than 110 and they’re still alive. ”
“We’re talking about his age, who said anything about weight?”
“Wait for what? I’m too old to wait for anything anymore; as a matter of fact, I don’t even want to wait for this concert to start.”
“For goodness sakes, Joe, don’t leave now, we’ve been sitting here for two hours. Sinatra is bound to be appearing soon.”
“Appearing where?”
“Appearing here! Right here.”
“Appearing here? Who’s appearing here, John?”
“Sinatra, Joe! Frank Sinatra! Frank Sinatra!”
“Frank Sinatra? Wow! Where is he? Do you see him? Boy, wouldn’t it be great if he decided to give one last concert before he died?
“You know, sometimes when we talk I don’t know if you’re not hearing what I’m saying or if you’re hearing what I’m not saying. Anyway, I’m afraid it’s too late. I don’t remember who told me, but I heard recently that he died from malnutrition. His weight got below 110 and they couldn’t keep him alive anymore.”
“What the hell is a malnutrition?”
“I think it’s some kind of doctor, but I don’t know what kind.”
“God almighty John, must I figure everything out myself? Let’s see, I think a Pediatrician is a doctor who handles peeing disorders, so if that’s the case, a Malnutrition must be a doctor who takes care of male nut disorders.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I hope there’s nothing wrong with your nuts, because there’s certainly something wrong with your brain. If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t know anything.”
“Look who’s talking. You don’t know anything. I was the one who told you that Sinatra died.”
“Sinatra died? I didn’t know that. I was thinking of getting tickets to his final concert. What did he die of?”
“See, I told you, you don’t know anything. Everyone knows he died of a peeing disorder.”
“He did? That must have been awful. What is a peeing disorder, anyway? Is it when you pee too much, or when you can’t pee at all?”
“What do I know? Do you think I have nothing to do but hang out in Sinatra’s bathroom watching him pee?”
“You never told tell me you saw Sinatra pee! Boy, most people just get to see him sing. I wonder what they would charge to see him pee, probably about a $100 a ticket.”
“The tickets we bought today cost $100 dollars each.”
“Are you kidding? You mean to tell me I spent $100 bucks to see him sing and instead I’m going to see him pee?”
“What are you talking about, Joe? What makes you think we’re going to see him pee?”
“You just told me so. You just got through saying it costs $100 to see him pee, and that’s what we paid for our tickets. Not only that, but if he’s going to pee, I don’t want to be sitting in the first row!”
“You got nothing to worry about Joe, if he’s dead how far can he pee?”
“Damn it, John, with all the talk about peeing, now I have to go.”
“So do I, Joe, let’s hurry so we get back before the concert starts.”
“What concert?’
“This concert! I don’t believe you, we’ve been sitting here for over 2 hours and you don’t even know why.”
“Well, if you’re such a smart guy, you tell me why we’re sitting here.”
“To tell you the truth, I haven’t got the foggiest idea. The only thing I remember is that we were about to go and do something. I don’t remember what it was, but for some reason I don’t need to do it anymore.”
“Neither do I, John, but I do know what I’m going to do now. I’m going to go and get my money back for this seat. The damn thing is wet and so are my pants!”
“Damned if mine aren’t too, Joe. They’ve got some nerve selling us seats that are wet. Let’s get the hell out of here, go home, make some drinks, and sit around listening to old Sinatra records.”
“That’s a great idea, John. It’s a shame he passed away when he did, I would have liked to see him perform one last time.”
“See who perform, Joe?”
“I don’t remember, John.”
As Johnny and Joe left the concert hall they heard a loud roar from the crowd as Sinatra stepped onto the stage.
“What do you think that was about, Joe?”
“I haven’t a clue, John. Maybe they were glad to see us go.”
“Speaking of going, Joe, I wish I could find a bathroom. I have to go.”
“Hey, John, did I ever tell you about the time I went to a restroom in Vegas and saw Sinatra in there peeing?”
“You’re kidding. Boy, I would have paid $100 to see that.”
If you’d like some more laughs visit my website at: http://laughwithjoe.com
josephf14 