“I’M HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE!”
The voice on the phone sounded frantic enough. The words, fraught with fear, brought chills to my spine. It was 3:00 in the morning when the desperate ringtone woke me from sleep. If you’re wondering how a ringtone can sound desperate it’s because I have a special app called the “Emotion App” that detects the mood of people calling and changes the tone to reflect their emotional state of mind.
This is not to be confused with the app that transmits generic kissing sensations by using sensors that measure the pressure you place on your lips so that the kiss your caller feels on their silicon lips is actually yours. This can go both ways because you can feel your caller’s simulated kiss on your phone as well. You can even send someone a kiss on their cheek as long as they’re holding the phone up to it. This app gives new meaning to the phrase “Phone Sex,” but that’s a blog for another day.
I installed the Emotion App to give me the option of answering only positive calls that put forth a ringtone promising serenity, optimism, happiness, and prosperity. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but after only getting calls from people who were angry, frustrated, or miserable, I decided that until I made new friends I’d better answer all calls.
“WHO IS THIS?” I shouted into the phone, concerned with the answer I was about to receive.
“WHO IS THIS?” The voice from the other end shouted back after what sounded like a few minutes of frantic phone fumbling.
“IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE?” I answered impatiently; “YOU CALLED ME SO YOU MUST KNOW WHO I AM!”
“WHOEVER YOU ARE, I DIDN’T CALL YOU. I’M NAKED IN BED, HAVING SEX WITH A HOTSIE TOTSIE TOOTSIE, SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN A BUTT CALL.”
How his phone managed to make a butt call while he was in flagrante delicto, was a picture I tried hard not to envision – unsuccessfully, I might add, so I slammed the phone down forcefully. (Actually, I have to admit that’s a bit of an exaggeration. I didn’t slam the phone down, because it’s a cell phone. I simply tapped the END button to hang up, depriving myself of one of the pleasures I can no longer enjoy from phones of the past… slamming the handset down in its cradle with a loud crash to end an extremely angry call.)
Seething at first about what had transpired, I began to feel grateful that it hadn’t been a FaceTime call. Although I think the proper term would be a Butt-Time call, wouldn’t it? After lying awake for quite some time I finally fell asleep and dreamed of hundreds of butts holding cell phones in their butt cheeks, leaping in slow motion over a line of old-fashioned telephones, to the sound of the song “2 Much Booty in Da Pants” by Soundmaster T.
When I awoke the next morning all I could think about was how cell phones had changed our phone habits from the old-fashioned, cradle-dialing telephones of the past – and how often there are times when…
…I miss wondering who the person is who’s calling me, and that moment of anticipated curiosity before finding out who they are and what they want.
…I miss the fantasy that the call might be from a long-lost relative, or an Estate Attorney informing me that I’ve inherited millions of dollars – the wonderful fantasies were endless when you didn’t know who was calling.
…I miss the satisfaction of being able to slam a phone down with a loud crash onto its base stand, relieving all the hostility and anger towards the person on the other end without its affecting either of us physically.
…I miss when phone numbers were preceded by interesting names like Cloverdale, Butterfield, Trafalgar, or Shaniqua rather than area codes –Actually, not Shaniqua — that’s the name of an ex-girlfriend.
…I miss the pleasure of sticking my finger into the hole, moving it in a circle and watching intently as the receptor of the finger responded to my tender touch by rotating back to its place of origin, practically asking me to do it again.
…I miss knowing that after this exercise was over I would have to repeat the process six more times to finally consummate a desired personal connection.
OH, MY GOD!!! Did I just make an old-fashioned, cradle-dialing telephone sound like an instrument of sexual pleasure? I must still have the kissing app on my mind.
Have you ever had times when you wished you could take back what you said immediately after saying it? Wouldn’t it be great if there was an app that would catch you in the process of saying something stupid and change your message instantly to make you sound more like a person of high intellectual capacity, with a sensitivity to words and thoughts that made you sound like a brilliant orator.
Wouldn’t it be… oops, excuse me, I have to sign off now. I’m receiving a call from my ex-girlfriend Shaniqua. I can tell it’s her because the ring tone is playing the Stephen Bishop song “I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Almost Like Having You Here.”
You know, I really miss Shaniqua. Maybe I should install the kissing app and give her a call!